When a person is deeply unhappy with their life, they often dream that death will come along and save them. For example, a person trapped in a loveless, toxic relationship might fantasize that they, or their partner, will meet with an unexpected accident. It is, of course, not death that the person longs for, but the death of the relationship. Death, in this situation, is the desire for change.
If we ignore our desire for change, our destructive energy is more likely to rush out in a blast of unchecked emotion. If we listen to our inner truth, however, we know it is the destruction of our life path, not life itself, that we crave. A person caught in the grip of a dangerous and obsessive love is a good example of someone trapped in a destroyer mindset, unconsciously giving in to their destructive impulses. And when it comes to love, dangerous obsession can lead to deadly consequences, as seen in the relationship between Dan and Rachel.
A Deadly Obsession
Dan is head over heels in love with Rachel, a woman who wants nothing to do with him. Dan has tried everything from writing love letters to buying gifts, but no matter how hard he tries, nothing he says or does can persuade Rachel to give him a chance. Without him even realizing it, Dan’s love soon turns into a dangerous obsession. The more Rachel rejects him, the more Dan struggles to win her over and convince her that his love is real.
For as long as Dan can remember, he’s only seen one path to happiness: getting married to Rachel and living happily ever after. Dan’s felt this way for the past two years, and nothing anyone says can convince him otherwise. Unfortunately, with each day that passes, Dan’s dream seems more and more out of reach. Dan’s suffering is sharp and real. He feels a heightened sense of anxiety followed by a tightening in his chest every time he breaths. Even his heart hurts. Why does love have to be so painful? Dan knows he must do something to end his suffering or die trying.
When one last valiant attempt to win Rachel over ends in rejection, Dan buys a gun and vows to end his life. He goes home and leaves a note on his bedside table: “My life is meaningless. I can’t live without Rachel. I’m sorry.” At that moment, Dan prepares to commit the ultimate act of destruction. But instead of destroying his unhealthy attachment to Rachel, Dan makes the tragic decision to end his life. His last curtain call, a final act to end his suffering.
This type of destructive behavior is common in people who are reckless and struggle to control their emotions. People often destroy themselves and those close to them as a way to end their suffering and restore balance to their lives. They act out their destructive fantasies when all they want is to end their suffering. In this case, a destructive impulse can be so powerful it can lead to either rebirth or death.
Necessary Endings
Sometimes we’re aware of our destructive energy, while, at other times, our destructive energy lies just beneath the surface in the realm of the subconscious. We often see destructive energy come to the surface in people who cheat in relationships. Here, the unfaithful partner carries with them a subconscious desire to get caught because they know an affair will likely end their relationship, a relationship their subconscious wants to destroy. Cheating is a selfish way to end a relationship, but that has no bearing on destroyer energy which, unless controlled, expresses itself in the most direct way possible.
Whether a person uses their destroyer energy to end a relationship in a respectful or destructive way, the underlying desire is the same: a desperate need for change in a time of crisis. When destruction occurs, we feel free and liberated. We allow our emotions to rise to the surface, no longer stifled by dysfunctional beliefs and unhealthy attachments.
In this case, it is healthy to move forward on a path of creative destruction rather than mindless destruction. Destroying old paths, however, is not for the faint of heart. It’s easier to stay in a bad relationship than it is to destroy a familiar way of life. While the coward stays in a lousy relationship, supporting a toxic environment, brave and honest people leave unhealthy relationships to forge new paths of love and respect.
Toxic Relationships Only Get Worse
Marco’s story offers some insight into how a toxic relationship can spiral out of control and hold us back. For the past five years, Marco hoped that his relationship with Sofia would get better. But no matter how hard he tries to make the relationship work, the constant fighting and tension never goes away―it only gets worse.
Deep down, Marco wants nothing more than to end the relationship. Yet he feels as though he can’t break up with Sofia because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. He is also worried that giving up on the relationship now would mean he’d wasted five years of his life. All relationships go through difficult times, it’s better to be patient and try to make things work, Marco tells himself every time he thinks about breaking up. As a result, he is unable to move forward.
Then, out of nowhere, Marco notices a festering anger building inside him. This feeling is unusual. Marco’s anger isn’t directed at anyone or anything in particular. It’s just there, boiling beneath the surface. Marco feels confused because he doesn’t understand where his anger is coming from. It isn’t long, however, before the source of Marco’s anger becomes clear.
After another fierce argument with Sofia, Marco experiences an overwhelming sense of rage and a sudden urge to lash out, to strike Sofia; not because he wants to hurt her, but because he wants their fighting to end. He wants to silence her. Marco’s soul craves peace. His impulse to lash out is not a desire to inflict pain, it is a desire to restore balance and harmony. Yet there is no peace. Every time Marco and Sofia fight, Marco bites his tongue instead of using his destructive energy to express himself and create positive change.
As you can see, it’s easy to become stuck and feel trapped if you prevent your destructive energy from expressing itself. The destruction of a relationship is difficult, especially if you’re in love with someone and feel attached to them.
Destruction Ends Suffering
Although destroying a relationship is never easy, it is an essential step to end unnecessary suffering and bring about change.
Take the example of Grace, a woman who feels uncomfortable whenever she meets up with Ingrid. Ingrid and Grace have known each other since college. And although Ingrid has not said or done anything wrong, Grace can’t help but notice that she always feels uncomfortable around her. It’s clear that Grace’s instincts are trying to tell her something: Her relationship with Ingrid doesn’t feel right.
Then, one day, an incident occurs that sheds light on the source of Grace’s discomfort. She gets promoted at work and discovers that Ingrid is anything but happy. While Grace receives messages of support from friends congratulating her, Ingrid says nothing. Instead, she ignores Grace for several weeks. Later, at a social event, Ingrid tells Grace that her promotion is “meaningless” and that “pretty girls with limited talent” get promoted all the time. Grace was right to feel awkward around Ingrid, who was clearly jealous and unsupportive. Her friendship with Ingrid is neither authentic nor genuine. And if Grace doesn’t take steps to dissolve their friendship, Ingrid’s jealousy will continue to infect her life, causing psychological harm and disruption.
Sometimes people who claim to be our biggest supporters are, in fact, enemies in disguise. Do the people closest to you have your back? Can you trust them? Do they support and encourage you on your journey through life? Or do they hold you back and try to stop you from progressing? Even family members and close friends can hold you back, offering little more than judgment and criticism instead of help and support.
The moment you become aware of this dynamic, you must use your destructive energy to end the relationship, otherwise it will prevent you from moving forward. Now is a good time to think about the relationships in your own life. Ask yourself which relationships are supportive and which relationships are harmful?
It doesn’t matter if you destroy a bad relationship with elegance or brutality. It has to happen to allow you to move forward and create new relationships with people who care about you and support you. Suppose you fail to take action and remain stuck in a relationship that is toxic and debilitating. Your association with toxic people will continue to poison your soul as long as you interact with them and keep them in your life.
Unf*ck Your Life is a powerful guide that offers a solution to the turmoil and uncertainty in today’s world. Through practical exercises, inspiring stories, and insightful reflections, this book will show you how to untangle life’s most difficult issues. From relationships and work to personal growth and well-being, this book is a must-read for anyone seeking a way to unf*ck their life and embrace a brighter future. Pick up your copy today.