A reader wants to know what he can do to get his girlfriend back after she dumped him. I offer my advice and give him the best strategy he can use. This is a great article if your girlfriend dumped you and you need a fast fix to get her back.
A reader recently emailed me with a problem he’s having. His girlfriend started to act more and more bitchy and disrespectful towards him, until one month ago when she eventually broke up with him. This guy wants to know what he can do to get his girlfriend back. My Advice is below:
Hello Chris! I was seeing my girlfriend for 8 years until she dumped me one month ago.The first two years were fantastic and everything was great until we had our first argument that escalated with her crying and locking herself inside the bedroom for a couple of hours. Basically the fight was that she wanted to go back out at 2am after just coming back from a bar and I told her that I was tired and she did not like that calling me all sorts of names which alarmed me.
Was this the first time after 2 years that your girlfriend suddenly started drinking, or did her drinking suddenly start for a reason? The occasional drunken episode is usually unavoidable, but her behavior where she called you all sorts of names was definitely something to be concerned about. A big red flag.
You were right to be concerned. In this situation, it’s always best to rip into your girlfriend and tell her that her behavior is completely unacceptable. But words without action are meaningless, so a punishment reward system must be implemented. You need to tell your girlfriend when she is acting bitchy and disrespectful that you won’t see her for one week as punishment, and you must actually implement the punishment. If she does it again, don’t see her for two weeks.
You also need to say to your girlfriend that “this is the second time you’ve shown complete disrespect, drunk or not, it’s completely unacceptable. Now you can’t see me for two weeks… etc. This will usually eradicate the problem, unless the girl your dating has mental problem. That’s a whole different story.
We talked about it after but I brushed it off which was a mistake. She was drinking by the way. During the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th years our relationship was up and down. When my mother got sick 2 years ago I had to concentrate on him a bit more so it took away some time from her.
She then complained that I didn’t see her enough and that I was ignoring her but she was just used to being with me all the time. That bothered me because she couldn’t see I was struggling to make sure my father was taking care of and on top of that I was going to college. During these years outbursts the same as the first one would happen from time to time with her saying foul language to me and even giving me the middle finger in a couple of instances because I’d disagree with her about something.
Her behavior is completely unacceptable and disrespectful towards you. Excessive drinking and an abusive personality are two traits that will definitely destroy a relationship. If you’re taking care of your sick dad and also going to college, then your girlfriend needs to appreciate the demands and the stress that you’re under.
However, love can be selfish and many women are ruled by their feelings and emotions— these emotions don’t care if you’re under stress, women are going to let you know when they’re unhappy. The reward/punish strategy needs to be implemented again in this circumstance.
At one point I got to thinking and noticed a common theme in these altercations and that is when she drank alcohol, we argued. Sometime during the 6th and 7th year she talked about marriage and having a family but I told her until you stop drinking, and arguing with me about stupid stuff and start being a better girlfriend, then we’ll talk. I told her what I needed from her but she didn’t listen and failed to entice me to ask for her hand in marriage.
This is a very important point. Notice how you say, “she failed to entice me to ask for her hand in marriage!” Why is that? Because you knew she was acting in a toxic and unattractive way. You knew that she was bad wife material at that point. It’s important not to forget this feeling and ask yourself if you really do want this girl back in your life. You can probably do a lot better.
Finally she gave me an ultimatum last year and if I didn’t propose to her by the beginning of the year she would leave. She became distant around January and finally March 6 she broke it off with me. Chris, I begged and pleaded for her to take me back, which we both were crying, but she said she didn’t love me anymore and for me to move on.
You’ve dated this girl for seven years. Then she’s giving you an ultimatum saying, if you don’t propose to her by the beginning of the year she will break up with you. What kind of relationship was your girlfriend trying to build here?
In reality, she most likely saw all her friends starting to get married and have children. Her biological clock then kicked in, which, for women usually does around the age of 26. You didn’t tell me how old your girlfriend is here, but this is an important point. If your girlfriend was hell-bent on having kids and marriage, it’s understandable that she would want this.
What’s disturbing, however, is her complete unwillingness to change her behavior for the better and stop drinking. You told her that you were willing to be with her if she changed her behavior, yet she was still unwilling to change. Now you talk about how she became distant around February and finally on March 6 she broke up with you.
It sounds like she was possibly lining up a replacement and getting ready to move on. Are you sure your girlfriend isn’t seeing anyone else right now? There’s a possibility that she is. There’s also a strong possibility that she was so turned off by your “begging” and “pleading” that she lost all attraction for you. Begging and pleading to a woman are the ultimate signs of weakness. Once you start doing this you lower your value significantly. A woman will only put up with so much weak behavior before she will leave.
Chris I know she loves me and this month that has gone by with no contact has made me realize I’m in love with her. I really want her to work to get me back and I really don’t want to contact her first, but I don’t know. Should I throw out a fun text to her not displaying any emotional stuff so that she feels comfortable to respond and then I go from there?
Is there a certain time that passes that lessens the attraction she once had for me and just gives up? Give me your fiercest come back strategy. Thank you.
You Want Your Girlfriend Back, But She’s Toxic
Despite the fact that this girl has drinking problems and behavioral problems you still want her back. I understand, the heart wants what the heart wants.
There is, however, only one reason why your girlfriend has pulled away from you. That is, she’s lost attraction for you.
So if you really do want to get your girlfriend back, then you need to know what you can do to get her attracted to you again.
A lot of guys believe that they have to add certain behaviors and act a certain way to become more attractive. The truth is much more simple than this. We only need to eliminate our weak behaviors to become more attractive to the woman in our life.
For example…
If you chase your girlfriend, she will lose attraction for you.
If you call and text her first, she will lose attraction for you.
If you beg and plead, she will lose attraction for you.
If you talk about the state of the relationship and push for commitment, she will lose attraction for you.
Simply by removing these behaviors, you can instantly increase your attraction level to a point where your girlfriend can’t stop thinking about you.
Why Did Your Girlfriend Break Up With You?
The most likely reason why your girlfriend broke up with you after being in a relationship with you for so long is because she was turned off by your behavior.
Now you’re probably not a weak man, but as men in today’s society we’re just not trained to know how to deal with women (who act in completely irrational and unpredictable ways).
I’ve seen incredibly strong men fall apart when it comes to dealing with their girlfriends all because they simply don’t know how to deal with women the right way. But don’t worry, this is exactly where I can help you.
Your girlfriend started drinking and acting bitchy, sure, but why did she keep on doing this and repeating this behavior? She did this because she knew she could get away with it. She knew that you weren’t going to actually punish her and stop her from acting this way.
Every time that your girlfriend got drunk and acted in a disrespectful way towards you she was testing you. And when you failed to pull her into line and backup your words with actions, she lost attraction for you.
When this happens, your girlfriend will inevitably pull away from you and eventually she will start looking for a way out of the relationship.
How To Get Your Girlfriend Back
Now before you can get your girlfriend back you need to understand where your girlfriend is at right now. There are only three possibilities:
#1 She’s lost attraction for you and decided to break up with you.
#2 She needs space and time away from the relationship.
#3 She’s interested in another guy and is now focusing on him.
You need to be aware that in all three scenarios there is only one way to get your girlfriend back.
The only move you can make is to make her come to you. For this to happen, you need to give your girlfriend time to completely erase the negative memories and associations that she currently has of you.
It’s been scientifically shown that over time people are more likely to forget the bad memories that they have towards a person and only remember the good memories. This is known as the Fading Affect Bias (University of Limerick).
Usually after about 3-4 weeks a women will be more open to communicate with her ex boyfriend to see if it’s worth giving him a second chance.
The question you should be asking yourself, however, is this: is is worth giving your girlfriend a second chance?
Now if your girlfriend has actually met another guy, then there’s not much you can do about this. But you should be aware that if she acts in a drunk and bitchy way to you, she will repeat this behavior in the future.
If your girlfriend is interested in another guy right now, you can take comfort in the fact that you already have many years in with this girl and you have an emotional connection with her already.
Your comment that she has been away for a month now and only now you realize you are in love with her is interesting. You were with your girlfriend for many years and you must have felt frustrated and fed-up with her behavior.
The fact that you didn’t want to marry her and commit to her shows that she wasn’t good girlfriend/wife material. But you’ve forgotten all about this feeling and now you want to get your girlfriend back more than ever. Why? Because she pulled away from you and restored her perceived value (that’s the power of the scarcity principle at work right there). Understand it, then dismiss it.
You want to get your girlfriend back. You need to do the same and mirror her actions. If you reach out to your girlfriend and she doesn’t respond, then walk away and mean it.
Walk Away To Get Her Back
You will respect yourself much more if you are able to walk away and your ex girlfriend will respect you more too.
Surprisingly enough, if you’re willing to cut contact and walk, this will give you the highest chance of success when it comes to getting your girlfriend back.
You might not get your girlfriend back next week or next month, but I’ve seen many cases where a guy’s girlfriend has broken up with him and then the girl has come back to him 3 months later, six months later, even a year later. This kind of scenario happens much more often than you might think.
All you need to do is give your girlfriend time to forget the bad memories and rebuild your own strength and attractiveness in her eyes.
This means no chasing and no contact if she doesn’t respond to your latest text message.
How To Text Your Girlfriend Back
So it’s been a couple of weeks since your girlfriend spoke to you, it’s perfectly okay to try and reach out to her now with a simple text.
When you text your girlfriend to try and get her back it’s important not to focus on the relationship and messaging her trying to get her back. This is a big mistake.
You should simply send her a message saying something simple, humorous and playful that can provoke a response from her. In your case, I would send her a message saying:
“Hey, are you married yet? ;)”
If you send her the normal, “Hey, how are you doing?” text, your girlfriend won’t be compelled to respond. It’s so vanilla and bland that it doesn’t push any of her psychological buttons.
You definitely don’t want to send her any messages begging to see her or telling her how much you miss her. Avoid these kind of messages like the plague.
If you ask her if she’s married yet, your girlfriend will be confused and emotionally shaken: Is he being funny? Is he teasing me? How does he know about the other guy? (if there is one) Is he saying he wants me back? Does he want to marry me? Why did he say that?
This will get your girlfriend thinking about you again and it will give you the best shot at getting her to respond. You need to polarize her emotions here and this is your best shot. If she doesn’t respond, then don’t follow up with another message until she reaches out to you.
Remember, it takes strength to walk away, this is the same strength that women are attracted to.
Don’t repeat the same actions (begging, chasing, calling, texting excessively) that you were doing before the relationship broke down. These are the things that got you into trouble in the first place (as well as not putting your girlfriend in her place properly). Live and learn.
I would add a final point here. It’s important to realize that if you get your girlfriend back, she will continue to act in the same way she was acting before. She will still be getting drunk and acting bitchy. My question to you is this, are you willing to put up with this and do you really want to be with a girl who brings this kind of trouble into your life?
She turned you off before with her behavior and made you think that she wasn’t “marriage material.” What makes you think the second time around will be any different?
Something to consider.