Has your girlfriend just pushed you away? If so, this article will show you why this happens and what you can do to fix this problem. Your girlfriend will push you away at some point in the relationship, this is to be expected. The only question is, how do you deal with it?
I’d like to kick this article off with an email I got from a guy who is experiencing this problem in his own relationship.
Hi Chris,
I’ve been dating my girlfriend now for about 12 months. I’m 37 and my girlfriend is 23. I’m not joking when I say that this has been one of the most difficult relationships of my life.
I’ve dated a lot of women in my life and I’m not shy when it comes to going out and meeting beautiful women. But my current girlfriend is definitely the most beautiful girl I’ve ever dated and also the most difficult to deal with. (The more you value her the more likely you are to put up with her nonsense and put her on a pedestal.)
I’m an accomplished guy. I make a good income and stay in great shape, working out almost every day. I also feel like I know how to handle women pretty well (most of the time), but for whatever reason my girlfriend keeps pushing me away. (Check your behavior right before she pushes you away. What were you doing in the event leading up to this?)
Most of the time things are going great. The sex is great and she is really into me. But I’ve noticed that she never really compliments me and tests me a lot. This usually happens once or twice a month and she’ll push me away on a regular basis, almost like she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. This drives me crazy every time she does this and I end up having to call her to try and find out what’s going on.
Sometimes she doesn’t even pick up her phone and then she always says that she’s busy. I’ve told her how much this hurts me when she does this and how much I love her, but she keeps on doing this. (Your girlfriend obviously feels that you value her a lot more than she values you. The more you keep acting this way, the more she’ll push you away and feel like you’re lower value than her.)
If you can give me any advice or help me to understand what my girlfriend is thinking and why she is doing this I would really appreciate it.
Thanks,
Michael
To fix this problem it’s important to understand why this guy’s girlfriend is pushing him away.
Why Your Girlfriend Pushes You Away
A woman that pushes her boyfriend away is always experiencing some form of conflict in her mind. This conflict can be caused by lots of things, but this conflict is usually caused by the fact that your girlfriend doesn’t completely accept you for who you are right now, or she is testing you.
Understand that your girlfriend’s feelings towards you can change in 20 minutes, 3 hours or tomorrow. But when your girlfriend pushes you away, your girlfriend is experiencing some form of inner-conflict at that present moment in time.
Here are some of the major reasons why your girlfriend will push you away:
- Your girlfriend is having doubts about the relationship.
- Your girlfriend doesn’t trust you completely.
- Your girlfriend thinks you might be weak.
- Your girlfriend thinks you’re more into her than she is into you.
- Your girlfriend has a mental illness.
- Your girlfriend has a difficult attachment style.
- Your girlfriend’s losing attraction for you.
- Your girlfriend’s testing you
All of the above reasons will cause your girlfriend to push you away. When this happens most guys start going crazy, sensing that they are about to lose their girlfriend forever, they go into chase mode and make things even worse.
All of the reasons mentioned here are a kind of test. Now this is a good thing that your girlfriend is testing you, it means she has feelings for you. If your girlfriend wasn’t testing you at all, it would mean that she has absolutely zero romantic interest in you, so take it as a positive sign.
Now before I get into the “what to do” and “what not to do” when it comes to dealing with this situation, let’s take a look at the type of women who will never push their men away. This is important so we know, as men, what to aim for in our relationships with women.
Your girlfriend will never push you away if…
- She’s desperate to get married and have kids (the push away will come later).
- She feels that your value as a man is much higher than hers.
The list is short for good reason. There is almost no male/female relationship on planet earth where a man’s girlfriend won’t push him away at some point.
The exception being the rare situation where a woman manages to land a man who’s dating value is much much higher than hers. I’m talking when a woman is rated a 5 or 6 out of 10 and the man is a solid 9 (and this usually only happens when the man is looking for easy sex, never for a long-term relationship).
Even Celebrities Get Pushed Away
A lot of guys reading this might fantasize and imagine how easy life would be if they were rich or famous.
Well, I’m here to tell you that being rich and famous is no guarantee that a woman won’t test you and push you away.
One of my friends from college actually went to work for the popular pick-up company RSD (after graduating as one of their students).
This friend told me in private that they had several celebrity clients who booked private sessions with the company to overcome this exact problem. Celebrities get pushed away, rejected and ignored just like everyone else—only when a celebrity gets rejected, it’s in public and the whole room is watching.
Your Girlfriend Is Having Doubts About The Relationship
Who hasn’t had doubts about their relationship at one time or another. No relationship is perfect and this is important to understand.
A lot of guys believe that they can get to a point in their relationship where everything will be perfect—where their girlfriend will always love them and be attracted to them and they will never have any trouble ever again.
This is a mistake that both men and women make all the time. People think that they can get to a state of bliss and sustain it forever—this is impossible because it goes against human nature (which is the human desire to seek out adventure and excitement and, at the same time, maintain a sense of stability and security).
Your girlfriend should have doubts about your relationship and so should you. It’s perfectly normal and instead of fighting against these doubts, the best thing you can do is embrace them. Here’s why…
I’ve mentioned before the fact that attraction grows in space. But sexual attraction, desire and feelings of excitement are all aroused by feelings of uncertainty (University of Virginia).
What happens when your girlfriend doesn’t respond to your text messages? When you don’t know if she’ll call you back or ever see you again? You feel uncertain about the relationship and this increases tension (and sexual desire and passion at the same time).
That’s part of the reason why sex is so good in the early stages of a relationship—because we’re able to release tension and feel the full excitement of something new and uncertain.
Your girlfriend will also experience desire and excitement the same way, through uncertainty. It’s those relationships that seek stability and certainty and comfort that lose their passion and excitement the fastest.
The next time your girlfriend pushes you away because she is uncertain about the state of the relationship, embrace the space and accept that she needs to push you away to restore her feelings of attraction and desire.
Now if your girlfriend is having doubts about you and your relationship it’s also important not to fight her on this and try to reason with her and convince her why you’re the best person she should be with.
Picture the following scenario: five years ago, Jane pushed away from Peter and told him that she was having doubts about their relationship. Peter went into panic mode. He tried to reason with Jane. “I’m the best person you’ll ever meet. You’ll never meet anyone as good as me again,” Peter told her.
Jane had her doubts and the more Peter resisted and begged her not to push him away, the more Jane pushed… until one day, she pushed Peter away forever.
Cut to the present. Jane is now dating Paul. Once again Jane started to experience doubts about the relationship, as a result she pushed Paul away. Paul, however, didn’t do anything. He noticed Jane’s withdrawal but it didn’t bother him, he had other options in his life and knew that he could get another woman easily if he wanted to.
Jane noticed that Paul didn’t bother to chase her or beg her for attention. He’s strong and secure in himself, Jane thought. He’s not like all the other men who get upset when I need some space. Jane’s attraction for Paul increased as a result of this.
Your Girlfriend Doesn’t Trust You Completely
Your girlfriend has pushed you away after telling you that she doesn’t trust you. Well, we’ve all heard this one before.
Why doesn’t your girlfriend trust you? Is it because you flirt with other women? It is because you cheated on her? Or, more commonly, is it because she doesn’t trust your strength?
If your girlfriend thinks that you’re weak then she will lose trust and push you away. Of course if you’ve done something to break your girlfriend’s trust (like cheat or lie or continually break promises), then you’re going to have to apologize to your girlfriend for your mistake and never do it again (at least don’t get caught doing it again).
If you’ve broken trust, how can you fix it? It’s easy. You don’t. You let time work in your favor and let your girlfriend open up to you when she’s ready. Give her space and she’ll come back to you when she’s mentally recovered and ready to communicate with you again.
You can’t force your girlfriend to suddenly feel emotions that she doesn’t feel for you. If your girlfriend has lost trust for you and pushed you away, then this means that she needs time to work through her emotions and feelings by herself.
Once your girlfriend has worked through her feelings, then she’ll most likely come back to you and be prepared to give the relationship another shot. If you were constantly lying or cheating on your girlfriend, you’ll need to show her that you’re making an effort to change and care about her.
However, as I mentioned before, the main reason a woman loses trust is because she doesn’t trust a man’s strength and she can’t rely on him to protect her now and in the future. She’s tested his strength and he continually fails her tests.
Perhaps your girlfriend asked you to do something unreasonable and you did it to please her. Perhaps you changed your opinion to please your girlfriend. This is a big mistake; women don’t want nice guys, women want strong, confident men (Sex Roles Journal).
A man that continually tries to please his girlfriend and who bends to her will, will be considered weak by his girlfriend. This weakness will repulse your girlfriend and she’ll naturally push you away.
One day Jane was at a cocktail party with her boyfriend Peter. Jane caught Peter looking at another woman during the party. When they got home Jane jokingly said to Peter, “I saw you look at that other woman.”
Peter looked nervous. “No I didn’t,” he said hastily. “I saw you,” Jane said. Peter gulped. “It didn’t mean anything, I’m sorry.”
The smile left Jane’s face. What’s he apologizing for? Is he really that unsure of himself? Jane decided to test him further. “I can’t believe you would do something like that, right in front of me!” She made a point of looking upset, even though inside she felt absolutely nothing, except concern that she was with a weak man.
Peter began to stutter and get more agitated. Oh no, he thought. I made a huge mistake. She could leave me if I say the wrong thing here. “I’m so sorry, Jane.” He said. “Please forgive me. I promise I’ll never look at another woman again.”
Oh my God. Jane thought to herself. I can’t believe he’s so pathetically weak. Jane’s subconscious mind suddenly went into overdrive. Why is he denying his own nature and trying to make promises that he can’t keep? And why is he so desperate to please me and have me like him? I must be much more valuable to him than he is to me.
That night, Peter tried to initiate sex with Jane and she pushed him away in disgust. Two weeks later Jane left Peter for good and never looked back. She was only too happy to cut this weak man from her life.
Jane is currently dating Paul. Jane and Paul recently went to a cocktail party and Jane saw Paul looking at another woman. When they got home Jane, remembering what happened between her and Peter, jokingly said to Paul, “I saw you look at that other woman.”
Paul smiled and said, “Then aren’t you lucky I came home with you.” Jane looked up at Paul and giggled. She stared into Paul’s eyes and he pulled her close, kissing her on the lips. She felt safe in his arms. He didn’t apologize for what he thought or did. Paul was a strong, secure and confident man, maybe too confident… but oh, so attractive.
Overly confident men, even narcissists, have been found to be much more attractive to woman than ordinary guys (Journal of Personality and Individual Differences).
Remember, attitude is everything!
Your Girlfriend Thinks You’re Weak
Your girlfriend will push you away if she thinks you’re weak. Remember that strength is to a woman what beauty is to a man.
When I talk about strength here I don’t mean only physical strength, although women are attracted to that. I’m talking about mental strength (this includes traits like confidence, boldness, assertiveness, dominance, intellect and resourcefulness).
If you are a physically strong man, but mentally weak, like so many men are, then your girlfriend will push you away.
So how exactly does your girlfriend determine whether or not you are a strong man? Your girlfriend can only work this out one way, that is by testing you.
Understand that when you deal with a woman’s tests, you shouldn’t take it personally. When a woman tests you it’s not the result of a personality defect or a bitchy personality, you’ve just come face to face with 200,000 years of female evolution.
The purpose of this evolution is to weed out the weak men from the strong. This is to make sure that the woman can pass on the strongest genes to her children. This is nature’s way of finding out if your genes are strong enough and worthy enough to be passed on to the next generation.
When you feel your girlfriend pushing you away because she doubts the strength of your character, you have to show her that you remain unaffected by her actions. That no matter what she does you’ll remain unmoved by her wild, unpredictable behavior.
Remember this, a man must be solid and stable like a mountain as the wind of a woman’s emotions swirl around him.
When your girlfriend pushes you away, remain unaffected and she will come back to you with more passion and attraction than ever before.
Your Girlfriend Thinks You’re More Into Her Than She Is Into You
Your girlfriend will push you away if she thinks that you care more about her than she cares about you.
It doesn’t matter what anyone tells you, gender roles are defined by nature. A woman’s inherent gender role is to nurture and take care of the family and maintain relationships.
A man’s gender role is to go out into the world and build things and hunt and acquire resources to take care of the family.
If a man is focused on the relationship and cares more about his girlfriend than she does about him, then he is quite simply reversing the gender roles and acting like a woman.
A woman will be concerned by a man who is relationship focused, because this means that his focus isn’t on what it should be—namely his own personal development and growth.
A woman will push a man away if she believes that he likes her more than she likes him. The reason why she does this is to establish whether or not this is really true and not just a feeling on her part.
If your girlfriend pushes you away and you break down and cry and beg her to come back, then she’s just learned some very valuable information—you care about her more than she cares about you (i.e., your genes are weak and you’re not to be mated with.)
This will make your girlfriend lose attraction for you and she will end up pushing you away even more, until she is so turned off and repulsed by your weak behavior that she leaves you forever.
When your girlfriend pushes you away, mirror her actions and return the favor.
Your Girlfriend Has A Mental Illness
This is one of the most difficult situations to deal with. Women are, after all, 40% more likely than men to have a mental illness (Oxford University). If your girlfriend has a mental illness you might find that she pushes you away for no reason at all. There is no relationship situation more difficult to deal with in life than dating a beautiful woman who has a mental illness.
In this situation, it’s still possible to do everything right as a man and still find that your girlfriend pushes you away.
Let’s address the issue of mental illness first. If your girlfriend suffers from anxiety, phobias, depression, extreme mood disorders or histrionic personality disorder or any of the dark triad traits, then you’re in for a rough ride.
It doesn’t matter what you do, you’re not going to be able to tame a girl with severe mental illness and she’s going to constantly push you away for no reason, disappear on you, shut you out and make dating her next to impossible.
I don’t mean to sound cold and callous when I say this, but the best thing you can do is walk away from a girl like this before she brings you down with her.
A great woman can raise a man up and make him even more successful, but a bad woman can destroy a man and make his life a living hell. When a girl with a mental illness pushes you away, there’s nothing you can do about it.
This girl will ultimately destroy herself unless she can get professional help. Life can be difficult enough without having to date a woman with a mental illness. I suggest you walk away from a situation like this.
Your Girlfriend Has A Difficult Attachment Style
Your girlfriend will push you away if her attachment style is either dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant. Attachment styles are different than mental illness, but they ultimately determine how your girlfriend will act towards you in the relationship. Bear in mind that attachment styles are formed in childhood and develop out of the child’s relationship with its parents. This makes a woman’s attachment style very difficult to change.
Most women will be secure in their attachment styles, however, women who are dismissive-avoidant feel more comfortable without close emotional relationships. These types of women desire a high level of independence and will often distance themselves from their partners to avoid rejection.
A more difficult attachment style to deal with is the fearful-avoidant attachment style which is formed when a person is the victim of trauma or sexual abuse. Women with this attachment style will feel uncomfortable getting close to people and trusting them. If your girlfriend has this attachment style she will typically find it more difficult to express affection and love.
If your girlfriend has one of the above attachment styles then she is frequently going to push you away for no reason and you’re going to be left scratching your head, wondering what the hell is going on?
You can’t reason with your girlfriend if she has a dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style. You just have to accept that is the way she is, and in about 25-30% of cases people can change their attachment style to a more secure type of attachment. This, of course, takes time and only happens to some people.
All you can do is recognize that your girlfriend has one of these attachment styles and work around it, accept it or reject it. The choice is yours, just don’t expect your girlfriend to change for you anytime soon, and expect that she’ll continue to push you away when she begins to crave her own space, which is common for an insecure type of attachment style.
Your Girlfriend Has Lost Attraction For You
It goes without saying, if your girlfriend has lost or is losing attraction for you then she is definitely going to push you away.
So what exactly causes a woman to lose attraction for her boyfriend? One of the main reasons why women will lose attraction for their boyfriends is that the boyfriend acts in a way that turns his girlfriend off.
As mentioned before, being weak and needy will cause your girlfriend to lose attraction for you. Here is a list of other things that men do that will cause their girlfriends to lose attraction for them and push them away:
- You showed a lack of confidence and indecisiveness.
- You acted in a feminine way.
- You’ve put her on a pedestal.
- You’re always trying to please her.
- You don’t know what you’re doing in the bedroom.
- You’re trying to get your girlfriend to commit to you.
- You’re always texting or calling your girlfriend.
- You’re always telling her how much you love her.
- You let her make decisions for you.
- You let your girlfriend easily change your mind.
- You’re always the first to touch her.
- You’re trying to control her and get jealous easily.
- You act in a passive aggressive/aggressive way towards her.
- You’re emotionally unstable.
- You’re always getting jealous.
- You can’t communicate with her.
It’s an exhaustive list. But if you’re a strong, secure man, then you should have no problem avoiding any of these items on the list. If you find yourself making any of the mistakes listed here, then it’s time to do something about if before your girlfriend pushes you away for good.
Your Girlfriend Is Testing You
Every time your girlfriend pushes you away a part of her is testing you. Your girlfriend will be checking to see how you react when she pushes you away—will you fold and start getting needy and insecure without her, or will you go about your life as if nothing happened. Passing your girlfriend’s tests are crucial to maintain a long-term, healthy relationship. Remember, every time you fail a test your attraction level goes down.
And if you keep on failing tests, your attraction level will decline to a point where your girlfriend will push you away forever. It’s okay to fail the occasional test, but not multiple tests in a row.
That being said, most guys who pass a woman’s tests won’t fail subsequent tests because they already know how to act and behave around women.
One day Peter told his girlfriend Jane that he didn’t like eating carrots. A couple of weeks later Jane cooked dinner for Peter and the dinner included, surprise, surprise… a serving of carrots. Peter didn’t know what to do. He really hated eating carrots. “you’re not going to leave those carrots on your plate are you? It’s a waste of food,” Jane said.
Peter forced a smile and ate the carrots like a good little boy. With every mouthful, Jane cringed as she watched Peter chew the carrots. “God, he’s so weak,” she thought to her herself. “How can I trust this man when he’ll do anything I say to please him.”
After dinner, Jane refused to have sex with Peter and pushed him away.
A couple of years later, Jane found herself in a relationship with Paul. Paul told Jane that he hated eating broccoli. A couple of weeks later Jane cooked dinner for Paul and surprise, surprise… there on Paul’s plate was a serving of broccoli.
Paul left the broccoli on his plate and Jane gave him a look and said, “you’re not going to leave that broccoli on your plate are you? It’s a waste of food.” Paul simply responded, “I don’t eat broccoli, I already told you that.” He then pushed the plate towards her and said, “You eat it.”
Jane pouted her lips. “Can’t you just try it?” She said. Paul looked bored. He put his head back on the couch and yawned, then looked at his watch. “Okay okay…” Jane said hastily. “I’ll get dessert.”
I better not try that nonsense again, Jane thought to herself. Paul’s not the kind of guy who’ll tolerate that. I better do all I can to make him happy if I want to keep him around. He’s a good one, she thought. I can trust him and feel safe around him. He knows his mind and stands by his decisions.
That night, Jane treated Paul to some mind-blowing sex; pushing him away was the last thing on her mind.
Remember, even if your girlfriend is highly attracted to you she will still sometimes push you away to test you. How you deal with her tests will determine how long and how often your girlfriend pushes you away for.
The key is to make sure that every time your girlfriend pushes you away, she comes back to you with even greater attraction and respect for you.