A reader recently emailed me with a problem he’s having. His long distance girlfriend is starting to pull away from him and he wants to know what to do. I’ve put my comments for this email below in brackets:
(All personal information has been witheld.)
I’m in Miami she’s in California, magic beginning, see her every 2-3 weeks for 6 months now. I stayed with her for 1 month on/off but sex toned down as she pulled away. Towards end of the trip she said she needed space.
She calls me at night and we had pretty good text rapport. Her job got crazy & she was working til 11, 12, 1am, weekends, getting sick all the time, friends visiting, etc, so when I wanted to stay with her, but during work in LA she blew up for “not listening” when she said i couldn’t stay with her & that she really likes me but if this is going to continue then it won’t work.
(In this situation you need to back-off completely. Your girlfriend is being bitchy and rude and, like many women, she’s unable to control her emotions and balance her life out the right way. You need to mirror her actions and pull away from her. She gets bitchy and pulls away — you pull away too. She doesn’t contact you — you return the favor and don’t contact her as well. Despite what a lot of self-help guides will tell you, a woman sub-consciously wants to chase a man. If a woman isn’t chasing a man, she isn’t going to be happy and she isn’t going to fall in love with him, and, most importantly, stay in love with him.)
I saw her while there, she thanked me for being so understanding of her crazy life & admitted it wasn’t ideal. She told me to come visit in a few weeks but was having a girl surgery so “it would be a 1 way st. for a while.” When I go to make plans a week later, she gives dates & gets mad when I offer to be there on surgery day because I know she’s getting anesthetic.
She texts “I don’t think you should book your flight yet I think we need to talk about stuff, I don’t feel like I’m being fair to you, in terms of the way you treat me you deserve to be treated way better & I just can’t give that right now.”
I say “I get it, shit is crazy but I wouldn’t have stuck thru it if I didn’t see light at the end, I’m doing me, you do you, I don’t need to come to LA until you’re ready for me to be there.” Been 4 weeks since & we talk on the phone for 45 mins whenever she calls, but texting is pretty much dead. She never texts me and if I decide to text her it’s hours before she replies.
(Make it a rule not to text your girlfriend anymore. There’s no point anyway, you can’t be physically close to her or have sex with her when she’s in another city. If you’re going to text your girlfriend make it a rule that she has to reach out and text you first. She has to be the one doing the chasing. Don’t even spend too much time talking on the phone anymore, there is nothing to be gained from this. You’ve already had sex with your girlfriend and have an established relationship with her, the phone chit-chat won’t help your current situation. If she’s a good girl and acting in a nice way, then you can reward her with phone calls and text messages. If she’s acting bitchy and difficult, then punish her with silence until she corrects her attitude.)
The other night we talked about my plans to be there for work in a couple weeks & spending time together towards the end, which she agreed to, then I don’t hear from her for a few nights & last night she texts “Yo, can I call you tomorrow when I get home from my trip?” I replied “Why do you need to ask permission? I’m busy tomorrow but if it’s important then call me now” thinking she was about to end it, mainly cuz I HATE when a girl says YO. She says “what? I’m just saying I’m going to be busy hopping around tonight & snowboarding tomorrow so I won’t call you until then. But if you’re busy then call me when you’re free”
I say “that’s fine I know you’re having fun” but then today again like an idiot I wrote “hey sorry I was half asleep exhausted last night & didn’t mean to take it out on you with the snarky reply.” No reply, that’s where I’m at. Could be over thinking her text and word usage but would rather play it safe.
Thanks, Jim
(You didn’t even give her a snark reply and yet you’re apologizing. This is going to turn your girlfriend off in a big way. Your relationship is going to fail if you keep acting this way. You need to immediately tone down the kindness and compassion you feel for this girl and get her to text you first if she wants to see you, make her work for it. And remember to keep your tone friendly and relaxed. Never get defensive with women.)
When your girlfriend says to you, “can I call you tomorrow?” you reply, “sure ;)”
When your girlfriend says “what? I’m just saying I’m going to be busy hopping around tonight & snowboarding tomorrow so I won’t call you until then. But if you’re busy then call me when you’re free” you reply with nothing. There is nothing quite like instilling a bit of dread and anxiety into your girlfriend to re-light the fires of attraction.)
Fortune Favors The Brave
You’re in a long distance relationship with your girlfriend where you’re living on the East Coast and she’s on the West. That’s a lot of distance between you guys. You’ve done a great job to keep it going this long. I’m going to be direct and honest with you here because this is the kind of information that is going to save your relationship and help you get your girlfriend back and re-attracted to you.
Make no mistake, your girlfriend is pulling away from you and it won’t be long before she breaks up with you—that much is obvious from the way she is behaving, acting bitchy and chewing you out whenever you show her that you care about her.
The important thing to understand is that you have time to save this relationship, but it’s going to take balls and boldness on your part. I’m going to tell you the best way to do this and if you follow my game plan then you will succeed, the only question is, do you have the courage to follow the plan?
There are two sayings that I want you to keep in mind whenever you feel weak and unsure of yourself. Remember them and engrave them into your mind: “Fortune Favors the Brave” and “No Guts No Glory.”
Now your girlfriend says she is busy with work, seeing friends and snowboarding too. Also she’s got this “girl surgery” going on… forget all this, they’re all excuses. If your girlfriend wants to see you, then she will make time for you and see you no matter what.
The real question is, how do you get your girlfriend to want to see you again? You have to understand that a relationship is a continuous power play and the man must always be the one who has the power (women want it this way, even if they don’t actually say it).
For your girlfriend to stay attracted to you she will need to feel like you are the more powerful and valuable person in the relationship.
Every time you reach out to her and text her and apologize or try to be caring and sympathetic towards her, your girlfriend will lose attraction for you until she has no attraction left anymore.
You need to re-ignite the fires of attraction. You need to get your girlfriend to want you again. To do this you will need to dramatically change the way you deal with your girlfriend, and you will need to use and apply several core principles:
1) Embrace the space – understand that your girlfriend’s attraction for you can only grow in space and silence, not deteriorate.
2) Get your girlfriend to chase you – your girlfriend will need to start chasing you. You need to turn the tables on her and get her to text you first and call you first, every time. Don’t let this slide when your relationship is going well too. This is a big mistake that a lot of guys make. A lot of men forget why their girlfriend was attracted to them in the first place and they stop doing the things that made her attracted to them in the first place.
– It’s time to instill dread into your relationship with your girlfriend to increase her anxiety levels and make her unsure about where she stands in the relationship.
If your girlfriend believes that you might be losing interesting in her and you might leave her, then she will do everything in her power to hold onto you. This is simply human nature. Ignore this at your own peril.
A Long Distance Solution
You need to let your girlfriend reach out to you. Don’t contact her until she contacts you first. This is your new golden rule. She has to call you or text you first. The biggest mistake you can make now is to start chasing her away by pursuing her and calling and texting her like crazy.
Whenever your girlfriend starts acting bitchy or disrespectful, cut contact as punishment. Let her reach out to you again when she is in a better mood and wants to see you.
You also need to take your girlfriend off a pedestal and start valuing yourself more. Your happiness and peace are more important than hers—this is the way you need to start thinking if you’re going to be able to adopt the right attitude around her.
If you’re truly scared that your girlfriend will leave you, then you need to re-frame your thoughts (or “schemas” as we call them in psychology).
Don’t Be Afraid To Upset Your Girlfriend
There’s a huge misconception among men that if they upset their girlfriend then they’re going to lose her.
Too many guys are scared to cause their girlfriends discomfort or trouble because they think that this will cause her to leave them. Nothing, however, could be further from the truth.
Your girlfriend wants to feel emotions and sad emotions are all part of the emotional spectrum too. When your girlfriend feels sad or angry at you it will put her into a state of anxiety and uncertainty—this state of uncertainty has been scientifically proven to increase a woman’s attraction for a man.
On the other hand, if you play it safe and “nice,” then your girlfriend will most likely get bored and start looking for someone who can light an emotional fire in her heart and mind (this means someone who isn’t afraid to speak his mind and activate her emotions—both negative and positive).
Scientific research shows that women are actually more attracted to guys who appear to be more selfish and bold (University of Amsterdam).
So what are the key takeaways of this research?
Don’t be too nice to your girlfriend because it’s been scientifically proven to lower your value as a man and make you less attractive.
Whenever you worry about staying the course and feel like being too nice and sweet to your girlfriend, remember this research. This will not only work to your advantage but it will also help you keep your girlfriend attracted to you and in love with you for as long as your hearts desire.
The next time your girlfriend reaches out to you, it’s important to set plans to meet up with her. If she ignores the question or gets upset, ignore her again and wait for her to reach out to you again. When she reaches out, chit-chat for a few minutes then set plans to meet up until she eventually agrees.
Remember, when your girlfriend reaches out to you it’s because she misses you and wants to feel your presence again. You just have to be decisive and tell her when to meet up so you can have another date together. Anything else is unimportant.
Remember, people, especially women, only value things that are hard to get.